He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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