If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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