I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
