I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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