So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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