You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
