The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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