he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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