so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
