New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
