just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
