Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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