Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
