Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Less talking, more tequila
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
