OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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