I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
