I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
