does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
