but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
