In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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