fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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