Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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