I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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