My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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