i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
