Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
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I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
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I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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