I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
