6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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