We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
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I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
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So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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