Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
This is the high leading the old right now
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
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A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
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Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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