Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
