i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
