I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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