She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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