Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
