i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
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Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
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I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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