I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
