I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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