O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
