Moan for me like Helen Keller
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
