I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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