Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
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Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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