Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
