did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
