I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Randomize
