It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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