So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
where are you?
Hypothermia
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
