Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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