So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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