so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
