My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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