So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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