I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
