I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
