Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
