i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
