My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
