i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
